Stuart Swersie
1930-2002
I
dedicate this website to my father, Stuart Swersie. It was Dad's sense of
humor and writing talent which inspired me to become a comedian. It was his
encouragement and support which gave me the confidence needed to push forward in
a tough business. And, it was both of my parents who instilled in me the drive
and ambition to do something productive with the talent gifted to me from Dad! I
will always love and miss my father.
So much of him will always be with
me. Most notably...his humor!
Ever since I can remember, Dad
has been writing humorous articles. When I was just a boy back in the
early-1960's, Dad was writing and editing a community newspaper called the
"Country Village Vanguard." Sadly, most of this early work was
destroyed in a fire in the late-1980's.
Dad continued writing until
1997 when his health began it's slow decline. At that time his work was being
published in a Port Orange, Florida periodical called "At Home
Magazine." As a tribute to Dad's inspiring life I would like to
share some of his stories.
Laughter is often used to
survive life's toughest moments. Dad certainly used humor in such a manner.
Dealing with his declining health, here's Stuart Swersie's most poignant
story...
THE LUNG AND THE SPORT OF IT
by
Stuart Swersie
I have
emphysema. Not just emphysema, but EMPHYSEMA. I carefully cultivated this
condition one tasty cigarette at a time over a 37-year period. Today, by way of
paying the piper (no pun intended), I'm tethered to an oxygen tank twenty-four
hours a day just to breathe without turning blue.
I've been told that emphysema is terminal but can take as long as twenty
years to reach that stage. Figuring that I could get hit by a bus tomorrow, I'll
take that twenty-year prediction and make the best of it.
With these semi-debilitating conditions, you find that you have lots of
time on your hands and comparatively little to do. So it was with great
anticipation that I opened the application I received from the E.O.C., the
Emphysema Olympic Committee.
The games this coming year
are being held in central Florida. You'll recall that 4 years ago they were held
in Fairbanks, Alaska, and only two Eskimos with bronchitis showed up for the
competition. As it worked out they both were disqualified when they failed the
blubber testing so there were no winners that year. This time the Committee
decided to make the games easier for the athletes from around the world to
attend. They selected Florida's Port Orange as the site of the competition. It's
convenient location, broad boulevards, fine hotels and restaurants, active night
life, and cool ocean breezes make it the ideal location. The events will take
place at several locations with the opening torch lighting ceremonies at a local
supermarket parking lot. This will be a battery-operated torch since Sven
Peterson's oxygen tank, and Sven, blew up at the '76 games when he got too close
to the flame.
Looking over the
application I see the usual events listed: the ten-yard underwater relay without
oxygen, the four-inch speed bump jump, the downhill wheelchair slalom, the
oxygen tank toss, and the ever-popular balloon blow-ups. Highlighting the
games is the exciting metric-mile run which starts on Monday, and, if estimates
are correct, will finish late on Wednesday.
Once again,
I'm opting for the triathlon, the 1-2-3 punch of the games. The record for this
event was set in 1988 by Lucy Medola of Apopka, Florida, may she rest in peace
with her damn gold medal and record-breaking 964 out of 1000. With Lucy out of
the way I figure to do well in the stationary bike race, should easily beat the
field in the oxygen tank fill-up, and I'll nose out Fat Frankie Feldman in the
rapid inhalation competition...he usually hyperventilates.
These
are exciting times. I can't wait for the games to begin. The thought of it
leaves me breathless.
This example of his writing doesn't simply show his talent as a writer,
it also highlights the
attitude he tried so valiantly to hold on to until the morning of
August 3, 2002, when my Olympic-Champion-of-a-Father, sadly, passed
away.
OTHER SHORT STORIES BY STUART
SWERSIE:
"WHY I'LL NEVER LIVE TO BE
100"
"WE'RE TALKING ABOUT BIG MONEY HERE"
IF YOU'RE CALLING FROM A TOUCH-TONE PHONE..."
"FRICK AND
FRACK"
"I WON! I WON!"
"ALL-AMERICAN SCREWDRIVER"
"AIN'T RETIREMENT GREAT"
"MY 'HOW THE HELL DOES THAT HAPPEN?' LIST"
One of my favorite stories is titled
"SEVEN LETTERS MY FATHER NEVER MAILED"
This
emotionally-autobiographical and quite serious story reflects Dad's love-hate relationship with his
own father, his disappointment in his father's inability to provide the emotional
support and encouragement a son needs, and the emptiness and pain one feels
when these issues are not resolved before the years make it too late.
I don't know when Dad
wrote this, as he did not indicate a date on the manuscript. I am inclined to believe
that it was written shortly after his father passed away in 1970. I do know
this, however...Whatever issues my Dad had with his father, he made certain that
he did not leave this son with the same. Dad learned, the hard way, from his own
father, and became a terrific Dad as a result.
"LUCKY MAN, GRATEFUL SON" BY JACK SWERSIE
JACK SWERSIE'S HOME PAGE