WHY I'LL NEVER LIVE TO BE 100
by
Stuart Swersie
(June 16, 1997)
I know I'm
the last of a dying breed. I obeyed my mother, worshipped my grandparents and
feared my father. I grew up in a world of rules that were to be followed...or
else. The "or else" was that my father would be home from work at 6
and then I'd get "or else." I never got it. I learned early that I'd
get along better and with less pain if I conformed.
Conformation was formulated from a mixture of English-Russian-Hungarian-American
folklore axioms and rituals that were repeated daily in one form or another
until I absorbed the rich "wisdom of the ages." The obvious clash of
intra-family culture merely enhanced the pool of knowledge and broadened my ability
to cope with almost any situation.
Having
outlived the actuary's wildest predictions, I would like to share with you some
of the bits of "wisdom" that has made me a survivor in a world of
victims. Think about each morsel, ponder, store it, use it when the occasion
demands. You could be a better person for it.
* The bird in front of a formation is not leading it. He's really trying to get away from the whole stupid flock, but they keep following.
* Making your car radio louder will help significantly reduce engine knock.
* Always stir your ice tea counter-clockwise. It will get sweeter faster, and the cubes will last longer.
* Eat corn-on-the-cob from the left to right. This enhances the flavor and aids in digestion.
* Remember not to gulp a drink in the dark of the night after placing your dental appliance in a glass at bedtime.
* All you ever get on Tuesdays is third-class mail.
* A love bug, flying alone, is not necessarily gay.
* Before going on a long car trip, let the air out of the each tire and re-inflate with fresh, cool air.
* When eating out, never order chicken medium rare.
* Never give up. Although my last three movie scripts, "Gone With the Breeze," "The Hunchback of Temple Beth Shalom," and the "Canary Brief," were rejected, I just know my latest, "Forest Dump," has the makings of a blockbuster.
* No matter what those TV chefs say, tapioca pudding is not finger food.
* Don't waste your time looking for a humorous sympathy card.