IF YOU'RE CALLING FROM A TOUCH-TONE PHONE...
by Stuart Swersie
(March, 1997)

    It was raining and I was coasting along I-4 at a respectable 60 mph when the right front tire on my 1988 station wagon shredded and steering suddenly became a major problem. Resisting the temptation to jam on the brakes I let the old girl slow down on her own. I concentrated on holding the wheel steady and keeping clear of any traffic in the area which fortunately, due to the rain and the hour, was very light. I managed to hold a fairly straight path and coasted to a stop less than 20 feet from one of those new emergency call boxes.
    What was left of the tire wouldn't make rubber bands. How I stopped without incident was beyond me. Be it luck, fate, or divine interference, I was in one piece and the car was none worse for the experience. Being a paid up AAA Plus member all I had to do now was call for assistance on the emergency call box and younger, healthier bodies would change the tire in the rain and I'd be on my way.
    I opened the door to the call box, picked up the phone and a recording came on...

    * If you are calling from a touch-tone phone, press 1.

    I pressed 1.

     * If you need assistance, press 1.
    * If you are in need of medical treatment, press 2.
    * If your radiator has overheated, press 3.
    * If you are lost and need directions, press 4.
    * If you have a flat tire, press 5.
    * If none of these apply, press 6.

    Rainwater was dripping down my neck as I made my decision. I pressed 5 although #1 also applied.

    * If your flat is on a front tire, press 1.
    * If your flat is on a rear tire, press 2.
    * If your spare is flat, press 3.

    My jacket and shirt were soaked. I pressed 1.

    * If your flat is on the left front tire, press 1.
    * If your flat is on the right front tire, press 2.

    I pressed 2. My shoes were soggy from standing in the puddle around the call box.

    * For emergency service, dial 9-1-1.

    I dialed 9-1-1.

    * I'm sorry but the number you called, 9-1-1, is busy. An operator will be with you shortly, please wait. Your call is important to us.

    I waited. The phone music was playing "Singing in the Rain" for the third time. My trousers were dripping rainwater into my shoes.

    * Sorry for the delay. As an alternative you may dial 1-888-NEED-AID.

    I dialed 1-800-NEED-AID.

    * I'm sorry. The number you have dialed, 1-888-NEED-AID is not a working number. Please call 9-1-1 for emergency service.

    I slowly put the phone back in the cradle and closed the box. I went to the car, pulled out the jack and spare, jacked up the car, changed the damned tire, and put the equipment away. I got back in the car squishing rainwater from my shoes. I started the engine and slammed it into "DRIVE." Hit the box doing 40, I did. Flattened the bugger out. But as I drove away with a triumphant smile I distinctly heard a voice...

    * If you are calling from a touch-tone phone, press 1.