I WON! I WON!
by Stuart Swersie
(July 1997)
Everyone
should have a hobby. Collect stamps, cultivate a garden, paint or grow roses.
"Do something," the wise man said, "to fill the empty time and
you shall be rewarded a thousand fold."
I am an avid
participant in contests and sweepstakes. I have subscriptions to several
newsletters which offer information on how and when to enter which
"stakes." I am forever addressing #10 envelopes or postcards and have
an entire section of my desk devoted to the mechanics of efficient sweep-staking.
For the past three years, I have written my name, address, zip and phone number
on thousands of 3x5 index cards and addressed countless envelopes. I have mailed
10 to 15 entries each day, six days a week, to post office boxes in Blair, NE.,
Young America, St. Cloud and Grand Rapids, MN., Melville, N.Y., and a dozen other
cities I never heard of and I await anxiously each day for the mail to bring me
the letter saying I won the BIG prize. If disappointments were dollars, I'd be a
millionaire.
Bear with me, I've kept track...in the year
1996...
envelopes:
$34
post cards: $14
Bic pens: $3
index cards: $18
postage stamps: $625
newsletters: $75
name stamper: $15
TOTAL: $784
I'll
probably spend even more this year. Why, you ask? Can't you see it's a bad bet?
What kind of sucker are you? Well, I blame it all on Maybelline, the cosmetics
people. They're my downfall. Their letter came last week:
"YOU ARE A WINNER," it said. "YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED AS ONE OF
THE SECOND PLACE WINNERS IN THE MAYBELLINE "TWICE AS NICE"
SWEEPSTAKES."
And they said
it couldn't be done.
First prize.....a 1997 MIATA. I
didn't win the MIATA but I did win "A ROMANTIC DINNER FOR TWO AT THE
RESTAURANT OF YOUR CHOICE. THE PRIZE WILL BE AWARDED AS A $60 CHECK."
Gee, no knock on the door, no balloons, no bubbly, no oversize cardboard check,
no TV cameras, no neighbors cheering.....What the hell, it was only second
place. Well, we're off to a restaurant of our choice for a romantic dinner for
two which is actually costing me $784 less Maybelline's $60. No matter how you
slice it, that's a lot of Big Macs.
So why don't I feel
like a winner?